Love, Regrets and Replay

I remember that day like it was yesterday when you told me to meet you at the cafe couple blocks away from my apartment. I kept saying no due to the load of unfinished work and deadlines that I had. You reassured me that it was important and you’ll make it quick. After couple minutes of begging and pleading I finally gave in since you sounded so excited and I had to admit that I was getting curious. We agreed on meeting early.

After getting a few pages done, I made my way to the cafe. I watched as the sun played hide and seek behind dark clouds. The leaves danced along to music only it could hear. Hurriedly, I made my way inside the cafe as the cold kissed my rosy cheeks. Immediately, like butter in a frying pan my body melt. The cold could no longer touch me nor did it dare to enter its enemy’s territory. I chuckled at my own thoughts, sitting in our usually spot by the window.

“Good Afternoon, may I take your order?”

A lady around my height or taller if I’m not mistaken, stared back at me with a pad and blue pen between slender fingers.

“No, I’m fine.” I mumbled but loud enough for her to hear. I watch as she disappeared around the counter maybe to take care of other orders.

After thirty minutes of waiting, I angrily punched in the password to my phone and dialed your number. You didn’t pick up and I rang again before sending a text that I was angry at you for wasting my time despite knowing how busy I was. I decided to wait for an extra five minutes in case you called or text. Five minutes passed painfully, my mind couldn’t help but drifted off to the pile of unread books and unfinished essays that was scattered all over my bed. It looked like it would rain any minute and the idea of being caught in the rain wasn’t helping my mood. I sighed heavily tugging a few strands out of my face.

*beep beep beep beep*

My eyes glared at my phone, the screen showing

Incoming call
The Bae ❤

Quickly I answered the phone snapping immediately.

“Where are you?!! You know how long I’ve been waiting? Huh?!! Whe-………..”


I don’t know how long I’ve been running. It felt like hours but I’m sure it was a few minutes. I was cold from running the rest of the way to the hospital in the heavy rain. The pounding of my chest ached so badly, my head was spinning and my legs were like jelly. I was sitting outside Room 31. The room your mother said you were in. It was as if a pipe had been broken, tears kept pouring…my heart was broken, bleeding and guilt filled my every being like a syringe pushed past thin plastic filling it up with air. I choked on a few sobs, hair wet and clamping to my face and clothes.

“Miss Robinson?”

I stood up immediately when I heard my name. I didn’t saw your mother when I came barging in, I was told she passed out and was carried to a room to rest. It made me wonder what was behind the door of Room 31. I was scared, scared that I might lose you but apart of me was hoping that what happened wasn’t serious. I jumped when I felt something warm on my arm.

“Miss Robinson are you listening?” the doctor said retracting his hand. He was a little taller than me. My eyes shift to his name tag and I mumbled it under my breath “Doctor Park”.

“Ah…no could you repeat?” my voice came out weak and broken.

“You’re the girlfriend of Nicholas Williams, am I right?” he asked and I nod slowly. I watched as his mouth twitch into a soft smile and he open the door gesturing for me to step inside.

“Nicholas has been waiting for you”

It took me awhile to move, Taking deep shallow breaths I squeezed my eyes shut. I wanted to run away but at the same time I needed you, I needed to know you were okay. Doctor Park was patient, he waited for me to collect myself. I walked in maybe a little too fast, the scent of medicine filled the room hitting my nostrils, I frown. Eyes landing on you after scanning the white room. Your eyes weren’t open, chest moving up and down slowly as if you were sleeping and I was hesitant whether it was a good idea for the doctor to have let me in.

“It’s okay, he told me to get you” he whispered as if afraid his voice would have disrupt the flow of silence.

Stepping closer, I got to see more of you and fresh tears burn the edges of my eyes. “Be strong” I mumbled under my breath.

“Katy?” you crocked, voice hoarse and strained. You held my hands weakly as I took the empty seat on your left. I didn’t answer, I didn’t dare. You smiled, it wasn’t the brightest. My eyes studied your features. Tubes were coming from your nose, the right side of your head was bandage as well as your legs.

“Katy…are you mad at me for not showing up? I’m sorry” I shook my head as you spoke, leaning in to kiss your bruised lips. “It’s okay, I’m not baby…it’s okay”

Smiling a little wider you tugged my hair away.

“You know I love you right?” I nod staring back at you returning the smile. “And you know I want to be with you forever right?” I nodded again chuckling at you. “I know baby, I know. And you know I love you a lot and wish to spend my life with you right?” I asked back earning a laugh than a cough from you. I run my fingers through your hair showering your face with kisses in hopes to calm you down. “Don’t strain yourself p-please”

I didn’t even remember the doctor was still in the room until I saw you motioned for him to come closer….holding your pants. I looked at you then back at the doctor a bit confused.

“Yes. I love you so much Katy. The past 19 years with you has been the best ever. Moving from being your best friend to your boyfriend 11 years ago has been the best decision not just on your part but on mines. I know we bicker and fight for the silliest of things *coughs*… wavered and hearts broken a few times, lies, jealousy, envy and even greed. But despite all that we still stuck together, we overcome all the obstacles thrown at us *coughs*……and if that isn’t love, then I don’t know what is”

The few tears that had spilled, you wiped them away and I lean into your touch. I figured you weren’t finish talking so I stayed quiet.

“I had it all planned out in my head yesterday you know. Call you up, get you to the cafe, arrive and stand outside a few minutes and watch you as you get angry. *chuckles* Though I know you hate waiting. I was expecting you to be mad, storming in here and just throwing random pillows screaming about how you waited for minutes…*coughs more*….My plan was ruined though, but I still want to surprise you. Can’t let it waste can we? Please look in the left pocket of my pants.”

The doctor handed me the pants and I did as I was told, first checking the back pocket then the front after not feeling anything. Your eyes never left my face and that silly smile of yours that held excitement and love never left either. My brows knotted in confusion when my fingers brushed over something hard and cold, slowly I pulled it out and gasped. At that moment I became a crying mess as I looked at the gold ring. On each side were tiny diamond-shaped hearts with a huge diamond snuggled up in the middle. Inside held our initials and the date…..the date was today.

“Will you Katy Robinson, do the honors of always being mine and marry me?” Without thinking I lunged myself at you crying and saying yes over and over. You pushed me away to study my face, as if you were memorizing me, burning my image inside your heart. You then pulled me into a deep kiss. I don’t know how long we were kissing, but it was long enough to have us both looking like two fishes who were pulled out of water panting and gasping for air. You took the ring from my hand and slid it unto my finger. Giggling like a school girl on weeds I kissed you again and held my hand up to admire it.

“I love you Katy….Williams”

“I love you too, Nicholas Williams” I grinned wide, unaware of your last breath and resting heart.

My head snap up at the beep. I only hear these kinds of beeps in movies. I stood up causing the chair to turn over. I whispered your name but got no reply. Your eyes were open, staring at me and you were still smiling. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that you were gone. “Nicholas this isn’t funny, stop it!” I screamed. You still didn’t move, I shake you repeatedly only to be pulled away from you. It was Doctor Park. I struggle to get out of his grip, despite his weak looking body he sure had a lot of strength in him. Frustrated that I was unable to free myself, I screamed. I could no longer see you as my vision blurred and nurses piled in. I lost you yet I didn’t.


It was a windy day, August 23. I always seem to think of you every year on this day. I sighed heavily looking at the ring you gave me. My parents thought I’ve gone crazy when I changed my last name to yours and started refusing to go on dates because I was “married”. Maybe because you were dead and all that. But I promised you that I’ll always be yours no matter what. To celebrate our 6 years anniversary as a married couple I decided to watch the sunset. You use to love coming here to clear your head. I never understood why but now I do. It was peaceful. I watched as the waves throw themselves unto the sands. The smell of salt water hugged me and for a split second, I thought it was you. I closed my eyes choking on sobs. I hated myself so much, it was my fault why you’re not here anymore. If only I had stick to not meeting you that day, you would have been here…..holding me. All I can do is keep loving you, keep regretting and keep replaying memories good or bad. I took a deep breath squeezing my eyes tight screaming as loud as I can, hoping my voice can reach you where ever you are as it rides the wind.

“Maybe I am going crazy. I miss and love you so much Nicholas!!”

If this isn’t love, then I don’t know what is.

Sleepless Nights


She tossed and turned under the burning covers, throwing it off with a loud sigh as thoughts of the past, present and future filled her mind.

The past? She can’t run away from. It hunted her whether she was awake or asleep. She could hear the voices screaming at her and hollow eyes staring her down. She panics for awhile, deep breathes “Inhale..Exhale” she tells herself over and over.

The present? She had many ‘friends’ and families yet she always felt alone. Whenever she was happy, angry, excited or even sad nobody cared. She couldn’t really turn to anyone about anything. She end up crumbling in her own shadow, lost and unloved. Is she really not loved? Even a little? Maybe if she kissed the cold air which wraps itself around her, comforting her and acknowledging her. Maybe then, everyone’s attention would be on her even for a second….a second? She would already be far gone.

The future? That she knows nothing of. Will she still be trapped in the cage of her own thoughts or would she be free? Free to laugh honestly and share in the joys of others. Will she be loved? There’s so many questions and no answers.

Black scrawny fingers shakingly made its way into messy hair. Lids tightly squeezing against each other. Again, a loud sigh escaped her lips, eyes open and now focused on the glowing ball outside her window.

“Another sleepless night…”