A Prayer To You

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Photo by me

They say have faith
believe in you
and everything will be okay
I did just that
But you mocked me
Seeing my smiling face
you wiped it away immediately
My teary eyes
making the heavens rejoice
My wrongs and rights
you know them all
before even a single one could be complete
I pray to you and tell myself
Everything happens for a reason

Where are you?
No where to be seen
Years and years of struggling
and a blind eye
You love us all, that’s what you said
But in truth
There is just a few
Still trapped in the dark
You refuse to shine your light
upon me
So this is my reason to live?
Will I be driven into my own dark desires?
Shall I take life into thy own hands?

Why do you still refuse to answer me?
A broken, lost and battered soul
Am I still not worthy of you?
Just like Lucifer
Tempted to be THE ONE
not the one to lead an army of unjust
But to be THE ONE of many
Whom you have bestowed your love upon

A prayer to you
just like the others
Will this too go unanswered?

~ J.R

Jo’s Music Mondays

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It’s Monday and you know what’s up…yup Jo’s Music Mondays!

Today’s song post will be 슬픔 속에 그댈 지워야만 해 (In My Sadness, I Have To Erase You From My Memory) by 이현우(Lee Hyun Woo). I don’t know how many people know this song so if you haven’t heard about it, now you do. Enjoy~ 😀

Love, Regrets and Replay

I remember that day like it was yesterday when you told me to meet you at the cafe couple blocks away from my apartment. I kept saying no due to the load of unfinished work and deadlines that I had. You reassured me that it was important and you’ll make it quick. After couple minutes of begging and pleading I finally gave in since you sounded so excited and I had to admit that I was getting curious. We agreed on meeting early.

After getting a few pages done, I made my way to the cafe. I watched as the sun played hide and seek behind dark clouds. The leaves danced along to music only it could hear. Hurriedly, I made my way inside the cafe as the cold kissed my rosy cheeks. Immediately, like butter in a frying pan my body melt. The cold could no longer touch me nor did it dare to enter its enemy’s territory. I chuckled at my own thoughts, sitting in our usually spot by the window.

“Good Afternoon, may I take your order?”

A lady around my height or taller if I’m not mistaken, stared back at me with a pad and blue pen between slender fingers.

“No, I’m fine.” I mumbled but loud enough for her to hear. I watch as she disappeared around the counter maybe to take care of other orders.

After thirty minutes of waiting, I angrily punched in the password to my phone and dialed your number. You didn’t pick up and I rang again before sending a text that I was angry at you for wasting my time despite knowing how busy I was. I decided to wait for an extra five minutes in case you called or text. Five minutes passed painfully, my mind couldn’t help but drifted off to the pile of unread books and unfinished essays that was scattered all over my bed. It looked like it would rain any minute and the idea of being caught in the rain wasn’t helping my mood. I sighed heavily tugging a few strands out of my face.

*beep beep beep beep*

My eyes glared at my phone, the screen showing

Incoming call
The Bae ❤

Quickly I answered the phone snapping immediately.

“Where are you?!! You know how long I’ve been waiting? Huh?!! Whe-………..”

________________________________________________________________

I don’t know how long I’ve been running. It felt like hours but I’m sure it was a few minutes. I was cold from running the rest of the way to the hospital in the heavy rain. The pounding of my chest ached so badly, my head was spinning and my legs were like jelly. I was sitting outside Room 31. The room your mother said you were in. It was as if a pipe had been broken, tears kept pouring…my heart was broken, bleeding and guilt filled my every being like a syringe pushed past thin plastic filling it up with air. I choked on a few sobs, hair wet and clamping to my face and clothes.

“Miss Robinson?”

I stood up immediately when I heard my name. I didn’t saw your mother when I came barging in, I was told she passed out and was carried to a room to rest. It made me wonder what was behind the door of Room 31. I was scared, scared that I might lose you but apart of me was hoping that what happened wasn’t serious. I jumped when I felt something warm on my arm.

“Miss Robinson are you listening?” the doctor said retracting his hand. He was a little taller than me. My eyes shift to his name tag and I mumbled it under my breath “Doctor Park”.

“Ah…no could you repeat?” my voice came out weak and broken.

“You’re the girlfriend of Nicholas Williams, am I right?” he asked and I nod slowly. I watched as his mouth twitch into a soft smile and he open the door gesturing for me to step inside.

“Nicholas has been waiting for you”

It took me awhile to move, Taking deep shallow breaths I squeezed my eyes shut. I wanted to run away but at the same time I needed you, I needed to know you were okay. Doctor Park was patient, he waited for me to collect myself. I walked in maybe a little too fast, the scent of medicine filled the room hitting my nostrils, I frown. Eyes landing on you after scanning the white room. Your eyes weren’t open, chest moving up and down slowly as if you were sleeping and I was hesitant whether it was a good idea for the doctor to have let me in.

“It’s okay, he told me to get you” he whispered as if afraid his voice would have disrupt the flow of silence.

Stepping closer, I got to see more of you and fresh tears burn the edges of my eyes. “Be strong” I mumbled under my breath.

“Katy?” you crocked, voice hoarse and strained. You held my hands weakly as I took the empty seat on your left. I didn’t answer, I didn’t dare. You smiled, it wasn’t the brightest. My eyes studied your features. Tubes were coming from your nose, the right side of your head was bandage as well as your legs.

“Katy…are you mad at me for not showing up? I’m sorry” I shook my head as you spoke, leaning in to kiss your bruised lips. “It’s okay, I’m not baby…it’s okay”

Smiling a little wider you tugged my hair away.

“You know I love you right?” I nod staring back at you returning the smile. “And you know I want to be with you forever right?” I nodded again chuckling at you. “I know baby, I know. And you know I love you a lot and wish to spend my life with you right?” I asked back earning a laugh than a cough from you. I run my fingers through your hair showering your face with kisses in hopes to calm you down. “Don’t strain yourself p-please”

I didn’t even remember the doctor was still in the room until I saw you motioned for him to come closer….holding your pants. I looked at you then back at the doctor a bit confused.

“Yes. I love you so much Katy. The past 19 years with you has been the best ever. Moving from being your best friend to your boyfriend 11 years ago has been the best decision not just on your part but on mines. I know we bicker and fight for the silliest of things *coughs*…..trust wavered and hearts broken a few times, lies, jealousy, envy and even greed. But despite all that we still stuck together, we overcome all the obstacles thrown at us *coughs*……and if that isn’t love, then I don’t know what is”

The few tears that had spilled, you wiped them away and I lean into your touch. I figured you weren’t finish talking so I stayed quiet.

“I had it all planned out in my head yesterday you know. Call you up, get you to the cafe, arrive and stand outside a few minutes and watch you as you get angry. *chuckles* Though I know you hate waiting. I was expecting you to be mad, storming in here and just throwing random pillows screaming about how you waited for minutes…*coughs more*….My plan was ruined though, but I still want to surprise you. Can’t let it waste can we? Please look in the left pocket of my pants.”

The doctor handed me the pants and I did as I was told, first checking the back pocket then the front after not feeling anything. Your eyes never left my face and that silly smile of yours that held excitement and love never left either. My brows knotted in confusion when my fingers brushed over something hard and cold, slowly I pulled it out and gasped. At that moment I became a crying mess as I looked at the gold ring. On each side were tiny diamond-shaped hearts with a huge diamond snuggled up in the middle. Inside held our initials and the date…..the date was today.

“Will you Katy Robinson, do the honors of always being mine and marry me?” Without thinking I lunged myself at you crying and saying yes over and over. You pushed me away to study my face, as if you were memorizing me, burning my image inside your heart. You then pulled me into a deep kiss. I don’t know how long we were kissing, but it was long enough to have us both looking like two fishes who were pulled out of water panting and gasping for air. You took the ring from my hand and slid it unto my finger. Giggling like a school girl on weeds I kissed you again and held my hand up to admire it.

“I love you Katy….Williams”

“I love you too, Nicholas Williams” I grinned wide, unaware of your last breath and resting heart.

My head snap up at the beep. I only hear these kinds of beeps in movies. I stood up causing the chair to turn over. I whispered your name but got no reply. Your eyes were open, staring at me and you were still smiling. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that you were gone. “Nicholas this isn’t funny, stop it!” I screamed. You still didn’t move, I shake you repeatedly only to be pulled away from you. It was Doctor Park. I struggle to get out of his grip, despite his weak looking body he sure had a lot of strength in him. Frustrated that I was unable to free myself, I screamed. I could no longer see you as my vision blurred and nurses piled in. I lost you yet I didn’t.

________________________________________________________________

It was a windy day, August 23. I always seem to think of you every year on this day. I sighed heavily looking at the ring you gave me. My parents thought I’ve gone crazy when I changed my last name to yours and started refusing to go on dates because I was “married”. Maybe because you were dead and all that. But I promised you that I’ll always be yours no matter what. To celebrate our 6 years anniversary as a married couple I decided to watch the sunset. You use to love coming here to clear your head. I never understood why but now I do. It was peaceful. I watched as the waves throw themselves unto the sands. The smell of salt water hugged me and for a split second, I thought it was you. I closed my eyes choking on sobs. I hated myself so much, it was my fault why you’re not here anymore. If only I had stick to not meeting you that day, you would have been here…..holding me. All I can do is keep loving you, keep regretting and keep replaying memories good or bad. I took a deep breath squeezing my eyes tight screaming as loud as I can, hoping my voice can reach you where ever you are as it rides the wind.

“Maybe I am going crazy. I miss and love you so much Nicholas!!”

If this isn’t love, then I don’t know what is.

Atelophobia

Jovial's World

Emotions scattered like broken glass
As realization hits
No matter how much you tried
it was never enough
Living in the shadows of siblings
More talented, more liked
or even better looking despite
obnoxious characters
Again you listen to praises that was not
bestowed upon you
Again you cringed at screaming voices
Blaming you for things you haven’t done
and have done
For speaking your mind
For existing
The pressure of doing better
of being noticed for once
Time wasted and like always
it was never enough
You were never enough
And you now accepted the fact that you will never be enough
You shut out the world
Drew pretty pictures against membrane
Spilled ink on untouched papers
You smiled at the life you had
You smiled at your smudged reflection
A figure like you stared back
Eyes that showed
how broken you were
Alone, defeated,
Useless, worthless
How many times you chanted
in your mind
“I just want to be good enough to someone”
How many times were you left alone and reminded you weren’t
One…two or maybe a thousand times
with a smile that held no story behind it
You studied yourself
You still couldn’t hide it
Tears would threaten to spill
any time soon
and you’ll panic and scratch at your skin
losing your mind
You were doing so well
but somewhere it went wrong
Nothing could stop you from feeling
and knowing that
You were and will never be
good enough 

~ J.R

Life

Sometimes
it stops at our throat
And we find it hard to breathe
We thrash about
And scratch at our chest
Lungs burning
With the desire to be filled-
With life
A reason to keep living
Day by day
we mortals struggle
To make something worth the time we have left here
We bicker
Slaughter
Laugh
Cry
Smile
at the different things life throws at us
We wear masks with permanent
smiles or frowns
Our pride is too great
it takes control
No “I’m sorry”s or “Excuse me”s
when necessary
Life’s ego
and life’s sacred self
Giving us two choices:
To live or to die
Blinded by all things bad that feel so right
selfishness
greed
envy
and the list goes on
We choose dying without realizing
Staining the once pure mind
of all things good
Slowly with aging
life will take its toll
giving each of us
what we truly deserve
It’s too late now
to rewrite new stories on worn out pages
that fades away along with us
Happy thoughts
Sad thoughts
it doesn’t matter to life
Because we mortals are life in its self
Make it what we will
and live it cautiously

~ J.R

Ghosts of Rain

I really love this!

Vacancy in Mind

There are storms inside people we will never see,
People with faces the color of rain and insipid dew.
We all find sorrow in ourselves.
Never quite sure if it’s the air that’s killing us,
Or the love we surround ourselves with.

One day we will find ourselves wondering
Why the air tastes like salt just before daylight
Or why the ocean has a voice.
We’ll see faces of strangers in constellations,
And not know why they look so familiar

It’s because we have been here before,
And these are lives we’re forced to live
Over and over again,
Until being alive becomes waves of verbatim

That’s why we fall for people who taste like poison
We call it love: to find someone more damaged than we are,
To steal the scars from skin and wear them as our own
Because the pain makes us feel like we’re living.

In the…

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Jo’s Music Mondays

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I’ve decided to make every Monday “Jo’s Music Mondays” YEAH!!! 😀 It’s not what any of you guys are thinking. It’s just something I’ve always done, whether it was in my diary or not. And I thought long and hard about doing it here and I was like “Why not?!” As I said before, this blog is where I can talk about anything or do anything I want to. Soooooo here I am, writing my first ever “Jo’s Music Mondays” post and I’m so happy. Maybe I should make this blog my diary or something (ha-ha). Also, I hope that you guys will be able to learn a little bit about me through my music posts. I do like a lot of music and over time you guys will realize that I listen to almost any and everything. Don’t judge my music taste!! 

I decided to make Waiting For Love by Avicii my first Jo’s Music Mondays post. I think this song was well written and well sung. I know a few people can and will relate to this song. So I hope you guys will like it just as I do 😀
Oh yeah, before I forget….there’s actually two videos for this song but I chose to post the lyric video instead because of the animation. Incase you wanna check out the original just look it up~  

Enjoy!!

P.S: I wanna thank my friend abxtruthlies for doing the picture for me 🙂